Change Your View, Change Your Life
We spend a great deal of time trying to change our circumstances.
We want more money, more time, a better job, a happier relationship, greater confidence, fewer problems or simply a life that feels easier. Sometimes those changes are necessary and worth pursuing. But there is another kind of change available to us, one that doesn’t depend on circumstances suddenly becoming perfect. We can change the way we look at what is already in front of us.
Perspective doesn’t make difficulties disappear, it won’t turn a genuine problem into something wonderful, and positive thinking cannot solve everything. What perspective can do is influence how much power we give to a situation, what we notice, how we respond and what we decide to do next.
And sometimes, that simple approach changes everything.
Your Thoughts Are a Lens, Not a Window
It’s easy to assume that we see life exactly as it is, like looking through a clear window. In reality, we see it through a clouded lens of expectations, past experiences, fears, beliefs and habits.
Two people can experience almost the same event and walk away feeling completely differently about it.
One person sees a mistake at work and thinks, “I’m terrible at this.”
Another thinks, “That didn’t go well. What can I learn before I try again?”
The event is the same but the interpretation is different.
That distinction matters because our interpretation often determines what happens next. The first person may withdraw, lose confidence and avoid another attempt. The second is more likely to make an adjustment and keep going.
A useful habit is therefore to separate what happened from what you are telling yourself about what happened.
Ask yourself: “What are the facts and what is my interpretation of those facts?”
That single question can prevent one disappointing moment from becoming a sweeping judgement about your whole life.
Replace “Why Me?” With “What Now?”
When something goes wrong, “Why me?” can feel like the most natural question in the world.
Occasionally, understanding why something happened is useful. But repeatedly asking why life has treated us unfairly can leave us mentally circling a situation we cannot change.
Try replacing it with: “What now?”
You might not have chosen what happened, but you may still have choices about what happens next.
What can you influence?
What is the smallest useful action available?
Who could help?
What could you learn?
What needs accepting rather than fighting?
This isn’t about pretending that disappointment, grief, frustration or anger don’t exist. Those feelings are part of being human. It is about recognising that difficult emotions and constructive action can exist at the same time.
Stop Waiting for Life to Become Perfect
One of the quietest ways we postpone happiness is by attaching it to a future condition.
“I’ll be happy when I earn more.”
“I’ll relax when this busy period is over.”
“I’ll enjoy myself when I lose weight.”
“I’ll feel successful when I get promoted.”
“I’ll start living properly when everything settles down.”
The problem is that life rarely settles down completely. One challenge ends and another appears, goals move and expectations rise.
There is nothing wrong with ambition. Work towards the better job, healthier body, stronger finances or new home. Just don’t make today merely a waiting room for tomorrow.
Look for things that are already available to enjoy: a good cup of tea, an interesting conversation, ten quiet minutes, music you love, fresh air, cooking something delicious, laughing with somebody, finishing a small task or getting into a comfortable bed at the end of a long day.
Small pleasures aren’t insignificant simply because they are small. A good life is often made from thousands of ordinary moments that we actually noticed.
Be Careful What You Compare
Comparison can distort perspective remarkably quickly.
You might be reasonably content with your home until you see somebody else’s larger one. Proud of your career until a former colleague announces a promotion. Happy with your holiday until you scroll through photographs of someone staying somewhere more luxurious.
Nothing about your circumstances changed – only the comparison did.
Remember, Nothing in your life has changed except your perception. Because it’s yours, you can change that negative perception back into one of positivity.
Social media can intensify these malignant feelings because we are often comparing the ordinary, unedited experience of our own lives with carefully selected moments from somebody else’s.
Keep this famous quote in mind:
“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”
– Regina Brett
When comparison leaves you feeling inadequate, change the question.
Instead of asking: “Why don’t I have what they have?”
try: “Is what they have actually something I want?”
If it is, let their achievement become information rather than evidence of your failure. What can you learn from them? What practical steps might move you closer to something similar?
And occasionally compare yourself with a different person: you, a year ago.
Progress is easier to recognise when you stop constantly moving the measuring stick.
Practise the “Other Explanation” Habit
We can cause ourselves unnecessary unhappiness by assuming we know why other people behave as they do.
Someone doesn’t reply to your message. “They’re ignoring me.”
A colleague seems unusually quiet. “They must be annoyed with me.”
Someone is abrupt in a shop. “What a rude person.”
Perhaps… But there may be another explanation.
The person who hasn’t replied might be overwhelmed. Your colleague may be worried about something completely unrelated to you. The stranger who seemed rude might be having one of the worst days of their life.
You don’t need to excuse genuinely poor behaviour. But when you don’t know somebody’s motives, resist automatically choosing the explanation that causes you the most distress.
Try asking:
“What else could be true?”
That question creates space between an event and your reaction to it.
Turn Envy Into a Clue
Envy is uncomfortable, but it can also be informative.
Instead of judging yourself for feeling envious, become curious about it.
If somebody’s adventurous lifestyle makes you jealous, perhaps you need more novelty in your own life. If you envy somebody who has changed careers, perhaps part of you wants greater purpose or challenge. If somebody’s close friendships make you feel something is missing, perhaps connection deserves more attention.
You don’t necessarily want their life, you may simply be noticing something missing from yours.
Ask: “What is this feeling trying to tell me that I value?”
Then find your own version of it.
Change “I Have To” Into “I Get To”
Language subtly influences perspective.
Consider the difference between:
“I have to take my children to school.”
and:
“I get to take my children to school.”
Or:
“I have to go to work.”
and:
“I get to earn a living today.”
This technique should not be used to pretend every obligation is enjoyable. Some responsibilities really are tiring, tedious or stressful.
The point is to notice what joy or benefit may be hidden inside the perceived inconvenience.
Doing the washing means you have clothes to wear. Cleaning the kitchen means you have somewhere to prepare food. Commuting may mean you have employment. Helping an ageing parent can be exhausting while also representing precious time with someone who will not always be there.
Sometimes a burden and a blessing occupy exactly the same space.
Perspective determines which one receives most of our attention.
Create a “Good Things” Filter
Our minds are very good at noticing problems. That ability has obvious survival value, but it can also mean that one unpleasant event dominates an otherwise decent day.
A criticism can outweigh five compliments.
A delayed train can overshadow a pleasant evening.
One awkward conversation can replay in our minds long after several enjoyable ones have been forgotten.
You can deliberately train your attention in the opposite direction.
At the end of each day, identify three things that were good. They don’t need to be extraordinary.
Perhaps someone made you laugh, the weather was pleasant, you finished something you had been avoiding, dinner tasted good, somebody was kind to you or you were kind to somebody else.
The aim isn’t to deny what went wrong – it is to prevent what went wrong from becoming the only thing your mind records.
Use the Five-Year Question
When something is irritating or embarrassing, ask:
“Will this matter in five years?”
If the answer is no, consider whether it deserves five hours of worry today.
A rude comment, a minor mistake, being stuck in traffic, an awkward moment or somebody having a different opinion of you can feel enormous while you are inside the experience.
Distance changes proportion.
Of course, some things will matter in five years. Those deserve thought, planning and action. The question helps you distinguish between genuine problems and temporary disturbances.
Not everything deserves equal access to your peace of mind.
Don’t Let Tomorrow’s Problems Steal Today
We can spend an extraordinary amount of time worrying about things that haven’t happened.
We imagine conversations going badly, plans failing, relationships changing, money running short, opportunities disappearing or some future event turning into a disaster. We play out scenarios repeatedly, often convincing ourselves that because something could happen, it probably will.
Then, quite often, it doesn’t.
Think back over the things you have worried about during your life. How many became the enormous problems you imagined they would be? Some undoubtedly did but many were resolved, changed direction, turned out to be far less serious than expected or never happened at all.
Meanwhile, the genuinely big challenges in life often arrive from directions we weren’t watching.
They sideswipe us.
A telephone call we weren’t expecting, a sudden change in circumstances, an opportunity that disappears, something breaks, somebody leaves, a plan changes or life simply takes an unexpected turn.
We rarely spend months worrying about these particular events beforehand because we didn’t know they were coming.
There is an important lesson in that.
Worry is not the same as preparation.
Worry repeatedly asks, “What if?”
Preparation asks, “What can I do?”
One drains energy while the other turns concern into action.
There is an old piece of advice worth remembering:
If you’re worrying about something, ask whether you can do something to change it now. If you can, take action. If you genuinely cannot do anything to improve the situation (which is rare), worrying about it won’t improve it either. Prepare sensibly for the worst but continue to hope for the best.
Suppose you’re worried about money. Instead of spending another evening imagining everything that might go wrong, look at your finances, reduce an unnecessary expense, make a plan, seek advice or investigate ways of increasing your income. Doing these things will make you feel better right away. You’re already closer to solving the problem than you were, now you’re working on a solution.
Worried about an awkward conversation? Have it.
Worried about a deadline? Start the work.
Worried you’ve upset somebody? Ask them.
Worried about something you’ve been avoiding? Take the smallest useful step towards dealing with it.
Very often, there is something we can do, even if we cannot control the final outcome.
And when there genuinely isn’t?
That is when we have to recognise the limits of worry.
You cannot rehearse every future difficulty in advance. You cannot protect yourself from every surprise by imagining everything that could possibly go wrong. Trying to do so simply means experiencing hundreds of imaginary problems in addition to the real ones that life eventually gives you.
Instead, build confidence in your ability to respond.
Remind yourself:
“I don’t know exactly what is going to happen but I trust myself to deal with what actually happens when it happens.”
That is a very different way to approach uncertainty.
The aim isn’t to become careless or blindly optimistic. Check the risks, make sensible plans, save where you can prepare where preparation is possible and deal with problems while they are still manageable.
Then give yourself permission to return to the present because there is a considerable difference between preparing for tomorrow and sacrificing today to it.
Life will surprise you. Some surprises will be wonderful while others will be difficult, you cannot predict all of them.
So deal with what you can, prepare for what you reasonably foresee and try not to suffer tomorrow’s troubles before tomorrow has even arrived.
Prepare for the worst – Hope for the best – Live in the present.
Stop Demanding That Everyone Understands You
A great deal of energy can be spent trying to control other people’s opinions.
We explain ourselves repeatedly. We might defend decisions that require no defence. We replay conversations over in our minds. We wonder what somebody thinks of us. We try to win approval from people who may never give it.
You can behave with integrity, communicate clearly and treat people well but you cannot control how everybody interprets you.
Sometimes peace comes from saying: “They are allowed to see this differently.”
That doesn’t mean their opinion is correct. It means you no longer need to spend unlimited emotional energy trying to change it.
Look for the Next 1%
When life feels overwhelming, large solutions can make us feel even more powerless.
Instead of asking how to completely transform your life, ask: “What would make today 1% better?”
It might be sending one email, taking a short walk, tidying one drawer, drinking some water, making an appointment, apologising, saying no to something, going to bed earlier or spending half an hour doing something you genuinely enjoy.
Small improvements accumulate.
You don’t always need a dramatic new beginning. Sometimes you need one sensible decision followed by another.
Remember That a Bad Chapter Isn’t the Whole Story
During difficult periods, the present can feel permanent – it rarely is.
Think about problems that once consumed your thoughts but are now distant memories. Jobs ended, relationships changed, embarrassments faded, difficult decisions were eventually made, situations you couldn’t imagine surviving became stories you can now tell.
That doesn’t guarantee every current problem will resolve exactly as you hope but it does remind you that today is not the whole of your life.
You are looking at one page while the rest of the story is still being written.
Choose What Deserves Your Attention
Attention is one of the most valuable resources you possess.
Whatever repeatedly receives your attention begins to occupy more of your mental world.
Spend hours focusing on everything you lack and life can feel empty. Spend hours thinking about everything that might go wrong, and life can feel dangerous. Spend your time comparing yourself with others and your achievements can seem inadequate.
But notice opportunities, kindness, progress, humour, possibilities and the things you already value, and the same life can begin to look remarkably different.
This doesn’t mean ignoring reality, it means remembering that reality is usually larger than the part you are currently looking at.
A Simple Perspective Reset
When you notice yourself becoming overwhelmed, frustrated or discouraged, try these five questions:
- What has actually happened?
- What story am I adding to it?
- Is there another way of looking at this?
- What part of the situation can I influence?
- What is one useful thing I can do next?
You may not immediately feel wonderful afterwards. That isn’t the purpose.
The purpose is to move from automatic reaction towards conscious response.
That is where perspective becomes powerful.
Happiness Isn’t Always Something You Find
We often talk about happiness as though it is hidden somewhere in the future and our job is to chase it down, but happiness can also be something we practise noticing.
It can be appreciating what is present without abandoning ambition for what could be better. It can be accepting that an imperfect day can still contain good moments. It can mean refusing to let one disappointment define everything else.
You cannot choose everything that happens to you. You cannot think your way out of every difficulty and some circumstances genuinely need to be changed rather than viewed differently.
But there will always be moments when you can choose where to place your attention, what meaning to give an experience and what you do next.
Sometimes you cannot change the view but you can change where you stand. From there, you may discover possibilities that you simply couldn’t see before.
© Colin Lawson Books